Tired. So Very Tired.
All the time.
Smiles come slow, laughter weak, brain activity now crawling at a snail’s pace.
A marriage and two babies in two years. Those two babies, during a pandemic.
A Wild Ride I never thought I would be ready for. And boy was I not.
I wasn’t ready for the communication problems that I knew me and my husband would have.
I wasn’t ready for us to get pregnant so easily.
I wasn’t ready for two baby girls nine months apart!
I was willing, and accepting - but not ready.
I was not prepared for the difficulties I knew I would face. I wanted to be. I did my best to be. But I knew that there would never be enough time to ready myself for the unique experiences my future held. This is not something that was once easy for me to accept.
I like plans to be written in stone. I like simple formulas for all of life’s answers. I want God to give me some basic algebra; the solution being all that I need to handle my difficulties. I want logic to solve all my problems. I want clear and defined answers, no grey areas. Black and white, right or wrong, good or bad. I want to label everything and file it away into the appropriate spot, where it stays - Forever.
I wish to open the Bible and it would tell me exactly how to handle any given issue I have, in excruciating detail. A clearly defined rulebook with a concise appendix to help me easily search for every situation I find myself in.
I want my world to run like a well-oiled machine, by following strict and perfect order.
This truly is what I desire. At times.
I also desire an Easy Button to take all my Hardships away.
Funny how life doesn’t give a crap about what I want.
Life is not strictly defined; it’s changing, broken, Beautiful.
Life is not black and white; it’s filled with a myriad of colors far beyond the spectrum the human eye can behold.
Life is Not Easy. It’s Complicated; Difficult to Understand; Full of Pain, Suffering, Death & Hope.
Life isn’t a Formula. And, for all that I want it to be, Life just isn’t Fair.
And for that - I am SO Incredibly Grateful.
If Life were Fair, I would be destined for hell. If life were fair, I would fear death. If life were fair, it wouldn’t be worth living.
We have Life, because we have Grace.
This Grace does not come with a simplistic nature or formulaic design.
Grace’s Complexity is MindBoggling. It is Cosmically Astounding, Mesmerizingly Powerful, and Breathtakingly Beautiful.
No matter how much Grace means to us, I do not believe we can ever fully appreciate the true extent of this AweInspiring Gift.
Grace Flips the world upsidedown. Like Alice falling into Wonderland, the world becomes topsy turvy. The Weak are STRONG. The Poor are RICH. The Last will be FIRST and the First will be LAST. The Meek will Inherit the Earth. LOVE is the Greatest WEAPON.
HOW?? Does this not boggle your mind?! It isn’t logical! It doesn’t make sense! I don’t understand!!!
And yet. I do. I may struggle with the understanding of how God works at times. At many, many, oh so many times. But that’s just it. He’s the God of Miracles.
What is a Miracle? I would say that it is something good, that defies our understanding of the natural order of life. And where is God in Life? Does He inhabit only bits and pieces? Does He stand passively by and simply watch us fumble around, trying to understand the system He put into place? Or is He an Active Agent for the ones He Loves so very dearly?
Of course, Life can’t be Black and White! No wonder it can’t have logical answers!
BECAUSE GOD IS EVERYWHERE! Affecting EVERYTHING!
He’s here and there, bringing Good out of Evil; Beauty out of Brokenness, Life out of Death!!!
Wrecking Miraculous Havoc in every teeny-tiny part of our Lives!!!
How dare He! I don’t want Him mucking about, messing with these incredibly difficult formulas I’ve worked so hard to master! Doesn’t He understand that messing with the order of things isn’t making Life Easier! Doesn’t He realize that I just want a moment to Breathe!!! Doesn’t He care if our lives become more complicated with His meddlesome ways?
Of course, He does. He cares. SO Much. More than we could ever comprehend and often in ways we don’t understand. He Loves us with all the complexities of Grace.
I am not prepared for Life. I don’t understand it like I wish to. Life certainly isn’t easy, and frankly, it isn’t supposed to be. Because Life is MORE. It is Full of Complications, because it is Full of Grace, of God.
As much as it can pain me, I am SO Very Grateful for this. I am SO Beyond Thankful that God is a God of Miracles.
Would I need God if I found my EasyButton for Life’s Formulas? Probably. Would I SEE my need for Him? Probably not.
I am prepared for so little that Life throws my way. Because how could I be? God is there, changing all my preconceived notions of what Life shoulda, coulda, woulda looked like. I am not prepared. But He knows this. He insists we lean on Him, and trust HIM with Life. ALL of Life.
The only thing I can say I am one hundred percent prepared for - is God being there to lean on through each and every moment. And even when I don’t turn to Him, as I should - He will block my path with every bit of Grace that I don’t deserve.
Thank You God. For all this, and more.